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This is part six of the Islam vs. Women series. Click here to read part five.
All Muslims are not the same. There are far too many sects, languages, cultures, ethnic backgrounds, geographical locations, socioeconomic statuses, and other factors that increase the variety of ways that affect how Muslims practice Islam. The faith of Islam is also practiced with varying degrees of strictness: from the “cultural” followers who are Muslims in nothing but name to the extremists who join the likes of ISIS or Taliban. The majority of Muslims, however, stand awkwardly between those two extremes as they squabble amongst each other over minor differences in belief and practice. In a faith that is as meticulous and unforgiving of individuality as Islam, there is plenty of disagreement to be held.
At the end of the day, it all comes back to two things: one, the “perfectly preserved” holy book, the Quran. This book of Allah’s teachings—considered to be the direct words of Allah himself—is the only thing that is constant regardless of all the differences between the various kinds of Muslims (barring, of course, the various interpretations of the texts). The second thing is an extension of the Quran, which are hadiths (narrated events from the days of the prophet). Some hadiths become extremely widespread and generally accepted by the masses despite being a less consistently trustworthy source, as opposed to the Quran.
Due to these two universally shared sources, some Islamic values rise above others. They are so well constructed that any two Muslims can generally agree on them, despite whatever differences of practice that they might have. Of these universally Islamic values are the misogynistic attitudes. For instance, in the Muslim world, treating women as second-class citizens is loyal to the design of the ideology of Islam. Whether governments are arresting women for removing their hijab, ignoring the unlawful practice of child marriage, or sanctioning the subjugation of girls and women to FGM, the Muslim world is in agreement that girls and women are lesser-than and deserve to be treated as such; the point of disagreement is merely the specific method of oppressing them.
There is another universal Islamic moral value that is, on the face of it, pro-woman and—if I’m being honest—quite beautiful.
The commonly known texts—which are both hadiths—are as follows:
Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) said, “heaven lies between the mother’s feet.”1
Narrated Abu Huraira: A man came to Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) and said, “O Allah’s Messenger! Who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?” The Prophet said, “your mother.” The man said, “who is next?” The Prophet said, “your mother.” The man further said, “who is next?” The Prophet said, “your mother.” The man asked for the fourth time, “who is next?” The Prophet said, “your father.” (Sahih al-Bukhari 5971)
These texts make a powerful statement. What could possibly be a higher honor for Muslim mothers than having heaven itself—which is the end goal of all Muslims—lie beneath their very feet? It is an incredible image. This was one of the earliest lessons I learned from Islam, and I personally have never met a single Muslim who is unaware of the “heaven” hadith. The second hadith is considerably less famous than the first one, but it is also well-known in the Muslim world relative to other hadiths.
That such a misogynistic religion could have the capacity to respect and uphold an exclusively female role is perplexing. The problem is that these two pro-mother hadiths are ineffective at best and detrimental at worst. Ineffective because they exist in an ocean of anti-woman texts, the kinds that declare that the majority of hell-dwellers are women and allow the ownership of sex slaves. Detrimental because the extreme idolization of mothers sets them up for failure. They are human beings, after all, as capable of shortcomings and flaws as anybody.
The worst outcome of these texts, however, is not that they might be ignored or inflated. It is the effect they have on the psyche of the Muslim mother. These texts do not provide an ego boost or an emotional reassurance to Muslim mothers; they create distraught, confused, and resentful women who were promised heaven at their feet but get no more than the crumbs they’d been given their entire life before entering motherhood.
In this series, I have connected many Islamic practices to their religious and cultural origins. I covered menstruation in the context of an Islamic upbringing and Islamic communities’ use of virginity tests. I explained the historical origin as well as the modern function of the hijab in Islamic societies. One should not find it too difficult, then, to imagine that any household that is governed by Islamic rules will be an unpleasant one for the mother(s) and daughters of the house.
Girls and women born under the faith of Islam live a life of being simultaneously ignored and scrutinized. Their personalities, feelings, opinions, desires, and dreams do not matter in the slightest. Their appearance, actions, behaviors, and demeanor, on the other hand, matter very much.
Little Muslim girls ask why Muslim women wear hijab, and they are told that it is because women are like lollipops: would you rather eat a brand-new, wrapped lollipop, or an unwrapped lollipop that was tossed to the ground and is now covered in ants? Muslim girls get their first period and they’re told that they mustn’t pray or fast because their period makes them too impure to practice these holy rituals. Muslim girls become young women and they do not have a clue what it feels like to make a decision entirely of their own.
Then, young Muslim women become mothers and are promised control and respect both inside and outside of the household. Tragically, they never receive it; like many promises Islam makes to women, it is all tell and no show.
The Muslim mother waits, perhaps reminding herself that respect is earned and not given. She spoils her sons rotten, partly because they don’t have the thousands of rules that their sisters have to follow and therefore disappoint her less often, and partly in hopes that they will grow up and deliver to her the power she was promised. After all, in an almighty patriarchal structure such as the one Islam enforces, it is men who have power, and birthing sons can be an indirect—but meaningful—path to that power. Unfortunately for the Muslim mother, there is no fixed recipe for raising an abled, successful, obedient, caring, and loyal son who might carry her into the higher social status that she has been waiting for.
In the meantime, the Muslim mother does what most mothers do: handles it all. Whether she is working or staying at home, she is typically on top of most (if not all) of the issues related to her household. She takes care of everything and gets credit for nothing. Her husband takes the credit for having a good home, regardless of the degree of his involvement in raising the children and managing the house affairs.
Finally, her children grow up, and as it is for a woman living in any patriarchal structure, she sees that it was a losing game all along. If she did not bear any sons, her motherhood means nothing. If she did bear sons who became dependent on her or are otherwise unsuccessful by societys’ standards, her motherhood means little. If she did “succeed” and had one or more sons who brought wealth and status into the household and to top it off they also happen to love, respect, and provide for her… the mother sees the flimsy promise for what it is; a mere extension of respect, a temporary hold, a filter. A middle man who, if vanished into thin air will undoubtedly take with him the heaven that is beneath her feet.
Combining this empty promise of respect with the punishing environment that Islam creates, the relationship between mother and child in the Muslim world is strained; tarnished by the striking juxtaposition of the mother’s heavenly status in Islam with her lowly female status in the real-life society she lives in.
With her daughter, the Muslim mother is never satisfied unless she sees full submission. The lifelong pain of being a victim of sexual oppression combined with a motherly instinct to guarantee what she believes to be the best outcome for her daughter, she projects her own religious insecurities onto her. As I’ve demonstrated in this series, the very biology of girls’ and womens’ bodies makes Islam’s demands impossible to fulfill. This fraught relationship between mother and daughter is a neverending cycle.
With her son, she has a Freud-tastic relationship in which Islam’s male-supremacist nature blinds her to his flaws, accidentally raising him without implementing real consequences to his actions. She often has an unhealthy relationship where she is overly dependant on him and seeks in him what her husband didn’t give her: unconditional love in an intimate refuge. “Mama’s boys” are extremely common in Muslim societies as a result of this. This is an undesirable outcome for both mother and son.
I believe that the emancipation of girls and women in the Muslim world via reformation would temper these pro-mother hadiths, making them a celebration of motherhood and nothing more. Removing the contradictions of misogyny would no longer confuse Muslims as this confusion causes the hadiths to only serve to further punish the mother for her misgivings. It’s time to give the Muslim mother the love, appreciation, and respect she so rightfully deserves2.
Funnily enough, I could not find a reliable source for this text. Normally, I have higher standards for hadiths, but in this case, I do not think the authenticity of this hadith is important because it is so well-known throughout the Muslim world and its influence is undeniable.
It was very important to me that I make this entry to my Islam vs. Women series pro-mother rather than anti- or neutral. I understand that toxic, abusive, and unloving mothers exist. Further, the anti-woman yet pro-mother texts create a world that is rampant with narcissistic mothers. However, this series focuses on how women are hurt by Islam in their various roles. I made the decision to further explore the psyche of the Muslim mother—to the point of criticizing her as well as the society she lives in—at a later time.