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Content warning: sexual assault, sexual violence, rape
A young Muslim man went to the Islam subreddit to ask his brothers and sisters in faith if he may rape his wife. Yes, you read my sentence correctly. No, I did not misinterpret it. In the post linked here, his request for information on religious rulings regarding marital rape states:
If [rape] is only a compromise of bedroom etiquette, then I do not care. But if there is an Islamic ruling that prevents a man from taking a woman who is in [a marriage contract] because she is not talking to him then I will never dare do anything like that.
So, asks Emotional-Trust-2957, will I burn in hell if I force myself upon my wife? If not, I would like to go ahead and do that.
In the post, Emotional-Trust-2957 described his relationship with his wife.
He is 24 years old and from the United States. His wife’s age and nationality are unspecified other than “she is from ‘back home.’” According to the original poster (OP for short), he and his wife have never had a happy marriage. Upon meeting her—shortly before marriage—he described her as “conservative,” and he wanted to back out of the arrangement. However, due to pressure from his parents, he went through with it.
They seem to mutually find each other to be unpleasant. He alluded to their disagreements being based on faith.
He did not name these specific disagreements, so for the sake of clarification for those unfamiliar with the divisive culture that Islam creates, here are some examples of ideological disagreements that I have personally seen in Muslim couples:
Disagreement on whether or not their daughter(s) will wear hijab.
Variations in practice. For instance, a woman might be more lenient with her daily prayers while her husband reprimands her for taking her time.
Due to these significant religious disagreements, OP described his relationship with his wife as a “cold war,” a term he used three times in his original post.
His wife is covered. He said that after they got married and he saw her without her headscarf, he realized that she was beautiful. In his replies to the comments of his post, he also described her as “pretty” and “glamorously attractive.”
He also shared this [link mine]:
Then tensions began and her [headcover] came down during our tensions. So how do you make a 180 degree turn during those tensions and say, "Wow! I had no clue that underneath your jilbab, you were soooo... mashAllah. Lets forget about our religious differences until morning alright? Let us negotiate 8 hours of cease fire for THAT purpose because I am losing my mind and otherwise angels will curse you."
He described how, due to this “cold war” as he calls it, he and his wife live distantly from one another while under the same roof. He spends all day on his computer while she finds ways to keep herself busy with chores. He clarified that they are intimate, but not as often as he hoped they could be. He described his suffering as such:
Firstly, celibacy is already hard on people but it is even harder if you have a woman without pardah in the house that you can look at but can not touch.
He finally got to the point:
Part of me says, I have her in my [marriage contract] and I can just take her whenever I feel like. I am obviously stronger and I can get what I want. But there is conflicting opinion on the internet even among religious people. Some have said that even within marriage, consent should be obtained. Some people have said that it is not [unlawful sexual conduct] since she is in my [marriage contract] but it would be against the [etiquette] of the bedroom.
Emotional-Trust-2957 is self-aware and deliberate.
His desire to be given permission to rape is deranged. His understanding of his physical advantage and potential religious autonomy to use her body—and his open willingness to utilize these advantages—is simply terrifying.
How many women have suffered the fate of marrying a man like this? A man whose eyes say, “I hate you, I think you are low-value, I have little interest in engaging with you. But you are so nice-looking, and you are my wife, and you are my property. I have God’s blessing to do with you as I please, so I will.”
As I write this post, we are approaching the year 2023. Young women today are sharing the fates of women from generations before; they inherit their mother’s life of unhappiness, to live with a spouse they did not choose and cannot stand.
As you might expect: the comments are angry. There is a righteous disdain shared by the users who responded to this man.
One user made a straight-forward criticism and suggestion:
What madness you're asking if it is Islamically allowed for you to rape your wife. Seriously dude what the hell is wrong with you. You choose to marry her if you want this marriage to survive you both should have marriage counseling.
I’m not sure that I would want marriage counseling with a husband I did not choose. Hardly anyone in the post mentioned divorce, even though divorce is permitted in Islam. Marriage counseling is not horrendous advice, but it misses the mark.
Many users point out that OP needs to learn self-control and respect for his wife’s boundaries and consent, as well as to understand that if he did rape her, he may get jail time and a lifetime of resentment from his wife. Never mind that he still shouldn’t want to do it even if the authorities never catch him or his wife never hates him for it.
There was barely any actual reference to Islamic teachings in the comments. However, if we look at Reveddit (the website that shows you deleted comments), we find some direct claims of Islamic rules posted by some users. Let’s take a quick look at the comments that the moderators of r/Islam deleted.
One deleted comment said:
There is no rape in marriage. The way he approaches his wife might be haram but it isn't rape. Proof for that is simply that no one would be given the penalty of rape in an islamic court in this situation
This user is correct, of course, but I want to point out the interesting wording in their comment. “There is no rape in marriage,” period. Not “in an Islamic marriage.” Not even “in the eyes of Allah.” According to this user, there is simply no rape in marriage; it is impossible. One other deleted comment shared the same sentiment.
One deleted comment unequivocally suggests getting a divorce.
If you have to force yourself then divorce is the better choice, if you have to force yoursrlf talk to her about divorce, because going that route will lead to an ugly divorce why not try to solve the underlying proplems first, if taht doesn't go well, go for a clean no bad feelings divorce
This user’s comment was deleted for “being inappropriate and/or violating the subreddit's rules.” I read the rules for the r/Islam subreddit and could not identify which rule this comment broke.
Most users suggested that OP simply talks to her. To one user who suggested “talking”, the OP responded:
I want to open up and communicate with her but I am trying to think what that conversation would sound like? I can not imagine saying ...
"We just got married and I know that we disagree on many things. I can also see that you are not feeling comfortable in this house with me. I would like to keep our disagreement aside and tell you that you are very pretty! If I could change my views to make love to you, then I would. But I would either be lying or sincerely changing my views to have sex with you. In either case, I would lose respect for my own self. So why don't we cast aside our ideological differences and you let me have sex with you, which I seriously crave! After I have made love to you, you can go back to your cold war until I crave you again???"
I am not sure how this honest conversation will allow me to gain more respect?
This response received two downvotes, disproportion to the attention the rest of the post and comments received.
I actually see the OP’s point here.
No, I do not think that he should not say that horny nonsense to his poor wife.
But, if I’m being completely honest, I am able to follow his exact line of logic.
Here’s the thing: from the beginning, he had made it clear that talking is what is causing this rift. The OP and his wife fundamentally disagree with each other on important topics, and this causes them to not want to be in each other’s company, let alone have sex with each other. The commentators overwhelmingly advised him not to consider a divorce, but to talk with her more. OP is unwilling to lie about his beliefs, perhaps the only respectable thing about his behavior, so “talking” can lead to little else but what he described above. He could say it more eloquently, or sneakily, but essentially if he will not consider leaving her alone, the “solution” of “talking” boils down to, “I cannot or should not divorce you. I can’t change my mind or yours. Can we put our differences aside long enough to have sex?”
Since the commenters could not provide religious evidence for why OP should not rape his wife, what they should have done is suggest a divorce. But they did not. Why is that? Divorce is perfectly legal in Islam. Maybe it is because being divorced, especially at a young age, still has social ramifications in Islamic communities. Maybe Muslims see it as a sign of weakness, abusing Allah’s kindness and mercy when it is not absolutely necessary, and sexual consent is not considered dire enough to quit.
Maybe, just maybe… these users believe that OP is reasonable in expecting sex from his distant wife and that his only mistake is saying the quiet part out loud.
"I’m not sure that I would want marriage counseling with a husband I did not choose. Hardly anyone in the post mentioned divorce, even though divorce is permitted in Islam. Marriage counseling is not horrendous advice, but it misses the mark."
Even if they get divorced marriage counseling in the meantime could prove helpful in that it could clarify to both of them the importance of getting to know one's partner well BEFORE actually marrying them, which can prove helpful in the event they divorce and both remarry other people in the future. Besides this point, counseling may help both of them in other areas like communication, respect, boundaries, etc, all of which are needed in life and relationships. I think therapy/counseling is something all humans could probably use and gain a lot from.